Digging.

I know I go on about the new X-Men franchise way too much, but it’s one of the FEW examples we have right now where two male leads- both amazing actors- are given roles where their characters have real and intense chemistry, and we see them struggle but give in to it when they’re in each other’s presence (subtext or not, they do.) Their love story, hidden in a comic book summer blockbuster film, is unbelievably beautiful. Despite my feelings that the directors and writers need to just spell their love out already, the two men are undeniable lovers- and it’s the kind that I believe has been the product of feminism/restoring the feminine. Gentle, loving, passionate- the “little moments”- the kind which was never allowed to be explored before because of how it would make the men seem to those who misunderstood. Unfortunately, we’re still denied their actual physical love, but I hold out hope for that.

In the second film, Days of Future Past, when Logan tells a broken and drunken Charles that they also need to break Erik out of prison in order to help stop Raven and the future war against mutants, the reaction Charles has is so realistic, so painful to watch that I’ve started studying it. Up until that point, he was fine with the plan of getting his sister Raven, but with the mention of Erik, he laughs and laughs in defense- like anyone would who went through an awful divorce from the love of their life and lost their entire family in the process- and walks out of the room, telling Logan that Erik is “where he belongs.” Logan says: “That’s it, you’re just going to walk out?” Charles tells him, still extremely defensive, “Oh, top marks like I said, you are perceptive” and then turns to head upstairs. Logan delivers that oh so famous line: “The Professor I know would never turn his back on someone who’d lost their path, especially someone he loved.” Charles’ reaction to that- stepping backwards, like oh hell no, the fuck, you didn’t just say that- and heads right into: “You know, I think I do remember you now. Yeah, we came to you a long time ago seeking your help. And I’m gonna say to you what you said to us then- Fuck off.”

Logan was talking about ERIK. ERIK. (Yes, he was, and I’ll prove it in my subtext analysis that he knew about them) Charles’ reaction says it all, and Logan’s words remind Charles of where he’d seen Logan before- during the happiest time of his life, when he and Erik scoured the country looking for mutants like themselves. Charles doesn’t mention Raven at all here- HE LOVED ERIK. Logan knows this, and that’s why he said what he said because he knew it would get a reaction out of Charles, he knew it would hook him. This is part of my ridiculously long analysis of the subtext- but I’m using this one scene now because I’m obsessed with the “little moments” here, Charles’ defensive laughter, his heavy breathing, the fact that he walks out because of the very mention of Erik’s name, his attitude, and his amazing- oh, God I love it so much- reaction on the stairs when he hears Logan’s words. And what he says to Logan afterwards, and the pain on his face. (I’m gonna allude to the next scene of Charles in his room playing an album on his record player while we listen to Beast tell Logan “He lost everything. You know, Erik, Raven, his legs.” I’ll explain more when I do the subtext analysis but the record player? That’s Erik. That’s Charles thinking about Erik. Erik is associated twice with a record player in First Class. But they only show Charles looking at Raven’s picture in this scene because God forbid it show him thinking about Erik in an obvious way as well. So, subtext it is. Hiding it is.)

Point- I’m nuts about this scene because of how realistic it is. A broken man who is an alcoholic and a drug addict, in denial about what he is, who is still reeling ten years later after his lover and family leave him- which paralyzed him (the whole paralyzation thing makes a hell of a lot more sense now, doesn’t it? Deflected bullet in First Class= subtext.) These moments in a story, Charles’ reactions, the words said between the characters, the pain and anguish on Charles’ face, the fact that Logan knows about their mutual love, it’s too realistic. There is nothing contrived about it. It’s too fucking real. And that made me realize after watching it a million times that whoever wrote this scene had this exact same thing happen to him or her. Or something very similar. Scenes like this are written from deep, personal pain, and the writer had no choice but to be honest about how they felt. If they’d glossed over it, or hadn’t dug that far into themselves, it would show. This little scene in this big effects blockbuster film- this was someone’s memory, someone’s painful fucking memory put up on the screen for everyone to see. This was their dealing and coming to terms with whatever happened to them. That’s why it works, that’s why it captured the hearts of so many people. It’s realistic because it’s REAL. Dialogue like that, scenes like this, the reactions from the actors, that’s all based on someone’s experience with devastating heartbreak.

This is sobering to me. I know, I know in my heart of hearts that when I am ready to start writing my stories, this is what I’m going to have to do. All those things I could never say, all those defense mechanisms, every single small detail of my heartbreak is going to have to come out. I’m going to have to be honest about all of it. Even things I’ve talked about before- I’m going to have to break down all those walls I put up for my protection and just say what what I should’ve said from the beginning. It’s goddamned terrifying, total exposure. Terrifying. But if my love stories are going to be anything at all, especially to me, this has to happen. There’s no other way. Charles and Erik are so BEAUTIFUL because the writer wove whatever painful loss he or she suffered into their storyline. I’m seriously terrified to do this. (As an aside, I watched Blue is the Warmest Color again tonight, and the break-up scene between Emma and Adele is equally as devastating. The writer wove their own pain into that scene. There’s no other possible way it could’ve been done. It’s way too realistic. I’m studying that as well.)

And this, of course, means I’ll have to bring up people I don’t want to talk or think about. Heartbreak I’d rather not face. Reopen scars. Confront the actual truth of what happened, no barriers, no filters. Those things I didn’t want to say, or couldn’t say, I’m going to have to say them, there is no way around this. Fuck, I knew going into this that I was going to probably have to face doing this, but I’m realizing now how HARD it will be. Actually, I won’t really understand until I start doing the actual peeling away of the layers, but I’m gradually becoming aware of it, perhaps that’s a better way of saying it. I started this little blog back when to do just that but there are several things I held back or glossed over, especially with…him. I’m going to have to do it, I’m going to have to go there. I’m going to have to drop all my defenses. So, for a little bit, I’m going to take break- temporarily- and revisit these things. For now, this is all I can get out.

Enough for tonight.

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~ by hln351 on March 7, 2015.

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